The Funniest Fight

This fight was caused entirely by my friend Jess. I've mentioned her a few times, but I really ought to comment on her further. She's a slightly overweight and really pretty girl with beautiful hair and a friendly face. She's always been a friend of mine even though we're not much alike. Jess is a gossip queen. Wherever she is, be it work, school, and now college, she knows everyone's business. I don't know how she does it. She somehow learns everyone's names in five seconds flat and proceeds to discern how they all relate to each other.

The only mistake I've ever seen her make is with Marlie and me.

Jess and I met in a government class in highschool and found conversation came easy between us. I invited her along to some things, she slept over at my house, and was all-in-all a good friend. We're close.

But definitely not Marlie close.

We raised Jess' suspicions one day when we were all at my house for a House marathon sleepover. There are two couches in my den- a longer three-section one and a two-section loveseat. Marlie and I, for whatever reason, always end up on the loveseat. I mean, she always sits there. And I always want to sit next to her. And how else could we sit? I'd never thought about it until that sleepover.

Jess was sitting on the three-section couch and Marlie and I were in our usual positions on the loveseat. My freezing house, which is always cold thanks to my not-quite-past-menopause mother, encouraged us to get blankets. I handed one to Jess and threw the other straight into Marlie's face. She let out a squawk of surprise, and we all laughed as she shook out the blanket, jumped up, and started chasing me around with it. I can usually run faster than her, but I tripped over a dog toy and tumbled onto the rug. She took that opportunity to tickle me (and I was laughing hysterically) onto one side of the blanket where she proceeded to roll me up like a hotdog in a bun with only my head sticking out at the top.

"Hey!" I protested as she dragged me back into the den by the end that had my head. The blanket was easy to slide across the linoleum. I wriggled around, trying to free myself, but she'd rolled me up pretty tight.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" Jess said, cracking up from her point on the couch.

"She was cold," Marlie said, maybe not quite in a friendly tone, but a civil one. Marlie didn't dislike or like Jess at this point- this was the first sleepover where all three of us had been together. "Now she's warm. And captive."

"Oh, whatever am I to do?" I said between giggles. Marlie poked me in the ribs again, making me break into a fresh bout of laughter, before picking up the blanket at both ends. She heaved me, blankets and all, onto the loveseat and lifted the end with my head from one of the sections so she could sit down. Then, neither of us thinking where Jess was thinking evidently, Marlie saw nothing wrong with my placing my head back down on her lap. I turned until I was facing the TV and we continued to watch House episodes.

I can now follow Jess' line of thought. Here were two girls who had been close "friends"and were obviously comfortable with each other. A logical assumption to make, perhaps, was that we were both gay. Let me explain here that Jess is not a bad person. But she's slightly homophobic. She's not some awful Catholic- she doesn't want gays and lesbians to burn in hell. It's just that she's uncomfortable, and I respect that... now that I know.

Anyway, we were watching the show mostly in silence, laughing every now and then. I was warm and getting sleepy because it was around 11:30 by that time. I drifted off at one point and missed a good twenty minute segment. I pulled my eyes open and realized my vision was blurry- Marlie had taken my glasses off without waking me. I smiled and snuggled drowsily against her, forgetting in my half-asleep mode that Jess was even there.

"Night."

"Night."

I was knocked-out from this point, including where Marlie carefully lifted me, still rolled up in the blanket, onto the floor and gave me a pillow. Including where Jess made some kind of comment not intended to hurt but... you know Marlie. This is how I'm told the conversation went:

"So... you really love Alyssa, don't you?"

Marlie narrowed her eyes across the room and frowned. "Yeah. Got a problem with that?"

Jess immediately shook her head, then hesitated. "Well... I am a little freaked out by it." As Marlie's frown turned into a scowl of confusion, she added, "I'm just not sure how to be comfortable here when you two are obviously in some sort of lesbian relationship." She shifted her eyes to watch a clip of House, which was still playing, and completely missed Marlie's stunned look.

"We're not-" she started to protest.

"No, it's fine," Jess hurried to reassure her. "I guess I'll get used to it. And your secret is safe with me, for what it's worth." She smiled at Marlie uncertainly and mistook the expression on my yami's face for simple relief that she wouldn't make a big deal out of it. "Good night." Jess turned out the light and rolled over on the other couch, effectively ending the conversation.

Marlie sat in shock for only a few seconds or so before she ruefully shook her head. Then she paused. An idea was blossoming in her cunning little yami mind, and it was enough to transform her frown into a full-on smirk.

In the morning, I woke up on the couch and noticed that Marlie was sleeping on the couch with me. That was odd. Normally when she sleeps over, we initially both fall asleep on the two-seat and she moves down to the floor later. She rolls over a lot and I wake up easily, so it's easier just to lay separately and both get a good night's sleep. Still sleepy, I mumbled and wriggled my arm, which had fallen asleep pinned under her, until she moved. I opened my eyes fully and saw Jess was also stirring on the other couch. My stomach growled. It was time to make breakfast.

I carefully untangled Marlie from myself and stood up next to the couch, yawning.

"Good morning," Jess offered to me, stretching herself. Her eyes darted to the hole I'd left in the blankets around Marlie, but I didn't notice.

"Morning," I said blearily. "I'm gonna make breakfast." I started to move away from the couch but was stopped when a familiar pair of arms wrapped themselves around the top of my thighs. I was wearing some old sweatpants and a regular sleep shirt, thankfully, and not a nightie or anything like that.

"Morning," I said again, in surprise this time. This was... odd.

"Good morning," Marlie said, smiling up to me in such a suggestive way that I blushed. What the fuck?

"Going... to make... breakfast," I muttered out, breaking her hold around me. With my back to Jess, I gave Marlie a glare that said "what are you playing at?" and she gave me a sly smile that said "play along with me". When my scowl deepened, she widened her eyes appealingly in a way that said "please?". With a sigh, I marched away from her and into the kitchen. I began puttering around in preparation to make my favorite breakfast- pancakes, bacon, and eggs, oh my.

Jess walked into the kitchen, her face red as a tomato. I gave her an uncertain smile. "Alright?" I asked.

"Fine," she muttered, and I concluded that she just wasn't a morning person. Something nagged me about it though. I filled the awkward silence with chatter about the weather, House, anything- and I was still more than disturbed by Marlie's little act.

The whole time I was cooking, Marlie was up with me. Usually, she's a lazy sod who plops herself into a chair at the table like Jess did and waits for me to serve her breakfast. Today she was following me around our little kitchen, offering help, and touching me in every way possible. She would offer to crack the eggs into the pan. As I handed it to her, she would brush her hand against me and say "Thanks," in what she probably thought was the sultriest way possible. When I asked her how she wanted me to cook her omelette, she gave me a knowing smile, pulled me close to give a nuzzle, and whispered in my ear (loudly, in a way that carried across the kitchen), "You know just how I like it, love."

At this, Jess stood up abruptly in her chair, knocking it back into the wall. I blinked in surprise, Marlie still wrapped around me, at how flushed Jess looked. "I- I have to go get my vitamins out of my bag," she stuttered nervously and nearly ran upstairs to where she'd stashed her bag in my room.

"What are you DOING?" I hissed to Marlie as soon as she was out of hearing.

"Having a laugh," my yami replied lazily. "Relax."

"I won't play along," I warned her.

"You'll spoil it," Marlie complained, a frown tugging at the smile that had been on her face all morning. "Just trust me, hm?"

"With what?" I asked, hearing Jess coming slowly down the stairs.

"Trust without knowing," Marlie told me severely. "That's the essential part to any successful relationship." Jess was two feet from entering the kitchen.

"What-"

At that moment, Marlie kissed me, hard, in the middle of the kitchen just as Jess came into view.

Oh, you wish, you bunch of horny dogs. Really, all Marlie did was press a hand in front of my mouth and crush our faces together around it. A fake make-out session. My back, unfortunately, was to Jess so I couldn't tell her with my eyes what was happening. As soon as I realized what Marlie was doing and guessed why she was doing it, I started struggling, but Marlie knew it was going to come to that. She wrapped a leg around mine so that I had to use my legs to stand up rather than kick her. She held me so tightly to her that all the wriggling I was doing made me look like the horny one. I heard a gasp from behind me and a loud THUMP. Instantly worried, i bit the palm of Marlie's hand.

"Ow! Fuck!" My yami leapt away from me and began hopping around the kitchen. "That hurt!"

"Oh my god!" I was looking at Jess, who was evidently so overcome with horror that she'd wilted in a dead faint and fallen in a heap on my kitchen floor. "Shit!"

"Oh my god!" Marlie blurted out as well, but she began to laugh. And laugh. And laugh some more. In fact, I'm not sure she would have stopped laughing if the need to breathe hadn't become a factor. As it was, I sent Marlie sternly upstairs while I tended to Jess and waved smelling salts under her nose. As soon as she woke up and saw me, she gasped, flushed bright red, then went white as a ghost. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to interrupt-"

"No, you weren't, Marlie was playing a-"

"I'm leaving now, see you at school!" And before I could get a word in edgewise, Jess leapt up, dashed to the front door, and left with her car in a screech of tires.

Upstairs, I heard the howls of laughter continue.

"Marlie..." I gritted my teeth. "You are in such big trouble...!" I was positively furious.

Later that week, I made Marlie apologize to Jess for playing such a cruel trick on her and promise to her that we were absolutely not gay. Jess accepted the apology, forestalling any future punishment I could think of for Marlie, and even became as close to us as she had been before. It didn't turn out as badly as it could have in the end. In fact, Marlie and I now know how to react the instant someone new accuses us of being lesbian lovers. We start laughing, startling the unfortunate bystander, and begin fake macking it in a way where even the person knows it's fake and starts laughing as well. Any tension is dissolved and no one asks the question again.

And now you know the story (which Marlie occasionally retells to those who haven't heard it with absolute relish) of how Jess became close to us.

But not too close. Ha, I had to slip that in there. I'll post later.